Living in Regret
by Elle Mira
Summary: Nina, the former queen of high school, realizes that Amy now must step down from the throne before it is too late.


[Set after "Fear Itself." After Nina finds out that Carl is gay but before Colin agrees to have surgery. Point of view switches, from Nina to Amy.]  
  
Nina wiped her hands on her apron after setting down the pot of coffee, disgusted to discover that it was covered in a thin film of grease, as it was at the end of every day. She improvised then, grabbing a nearby napkin from a dispenser and rubbing her palm clean.  
  
She was happy to realize that the crowd in Mama Joy's had waned and that it was now occupied by only three or four groups located in various booths throughout the diner. One couple she recognized, and she paused to momentarily stare at them.  
  
The girl was blonde and beautiful, popular and sleek and elegant, and the boy was the same in that he was loved by everyone. He was a basketball star, smarter and sweeter than the average jock but still slick enough to woo any girl he had his eye on. He had only her, however, because she was everything he wanted.  
  
The girl loved the boy, but half of the love was made up of what she was told to do. In part, she loved the boy because she thought she should. Because it made perfect sense.  
  
In the booth, Colin was smiling into Amy's neck, whispering something and kissing it gently, as she giggled and tried to push him away. Nina inhaled too quickly and suddenly felt faint, so she turned around, leaning against the counter to catch her breath.  
  
It was perfect déjà vu. The Miners jacket, the long blonde hair, the playfulness between Amy and Colin . . . Nina even swore that she and Carl had sat in that same booth every time they came to Mama Joy's.  
  
"Nina? Uh . . . you all right?"  
  
She turned around, and found the blushing, shy Ephram on a barstool, long fingers placed delicately on the counter as he reached for the menu.  
  
She smiled at his thoughtfulness. "I'm fine. You wanna order something?"  
  
Ephram briefly scanned the menu. "I guess I'd better. That way when my dad offers me what he calls 'food'--although, if I do say so myself, he uses the term far too loosely for it to be perfectly healthy to his poor victims--I can trash it without being hungry enough to test it and risk my life. I've made that foolish mistake before, and I regret it. Honestly, the man's the greatest neurosurgeon in the country, and he endangers the lives of his children every night for dinner . . . are you sure you're okay?" he asked suddenly.  
  
Nina realized that she had been languidly smiling at him, in a daze. Instead of telling him again that she was indeed all right, she asked, "What would you like?"  
  
Ephram seemed to hold in any more witty comments. "A hot dog. With fries and a Coke?" He turned around, staring at something near the door. Looking closer, Nina saw that it was Amy and Colin that captivated his interest. They were currently in a massive make-out session.  
  
"Is Pepsi okay?"  
  
Ephram's head snapped around to face her, obviously nervous. "Huh?"  
  
"Pepsi all right?"  
  
"Oh. Sure. Sure." He turned his head ever-so-slightly in the direction of the booth again, only to steal another glance at the all-too-disgusting smooch assembly, and then he decided it would be much better to stare at an interesting stain on the counter's shiny surface.  
  
Nina smirked to herself. There had been one like Ephram in her life at one point. The outsider, the wiser choice who had offered her real love and scared her. But she had let him go, had chosen Carl in their junior year of high school.  
  
As Nina turned around to get Ephram's order from the back, she witnessed Ephram and Amy exchange shy waves. Obviously they were on speaking terms. But Colin, who rolled his eyes at the gesture, was not happy with this party.  
  
She remembered Carl's jealousy just as well. The icy glares at her best friend who had offered her love had been frequently witnessed by her. Fists, clenched teeth, and eye rolls similar to Colin's often came into play.  
  
But she remembered also being puzzled by Carl's jealousy because he was so fiery and bitter with her Ephram-ish friend, but so distant from her. He would take long walks in solitude with no desire of having her company all too often, saying that he was confused, that he needed to clear his head. She always sadly let him go, but thoughts of abandoning him were constantly hovering around her. Even when he was with her, there had been an emptiness there, as though he were somewhere else.  
  
She served the grateful Ephram his dinner and realized that it was just about time to check up on Colin and Amy's table. Hoping not to interrupt their very personal osculation, she first affirmed that Colin's arm was merely around Amy's shoulders before she walked up to them.  
  
"How is everything?" she asked politely, smiling sweetly at the girl she basically thought of as herself and the boy who reminded her so much of her soon-to-be ex-husband.  
  
"Great," Amy and Colin said in unison, both smiling. "Oh, but can I have a refill?" asked Amy, handing Nina an empty glass.  
  
Nina took the cup. "Sure. No problem." She noticed Colin's uneasy face. "Are you all right, Colin?"  
  
He looked from Nina to Amy. His expression was painful and he was lightly grasping his stomach. "I'll be right back. I just have to go to the bathroom."  
  
Colin stood up and began walking toward the restroom, and as he grew nearer he broke into a run.  
  
Nina turned around and started walking back to the counter. She noticed that Ephram was looking after Colin rather worriedly, and then he half- rolled his eyes, shook his head, and turned his attention back to his food. Ephram understood what Amy and Colin had swept under the rug.  
  
From the kitchen, Nina looked at Amy's expression. It was full of fear, worry, and doubt, and she was sitting perfectly still and her eyes were drilling into the closed bathroom door. Finally her gaze faltered, fell, and she regained her ballerina's posture and began to act as though everything in the world was just dandy.  
  
Colin was dying, and Carl was gay. As Nina had stayed awake for the past three nights, whispering, "He's gay, he's gay, he never loved me" in the darkness, she was almost sure that Amy had done basically the same. She could picture the young girl, eyes wide open in the darkness of her bedroom, whispering timidly, "The boy I love is dying. The boy I love is dying."  
  
Both Amy and Nina had failed to acknowledge those things because they didn't want to. Carl and Nina had previously been the King and Queen of high school, and now Colin and Amy had taken their places. Both couples had been forced to live up to their expectations as "royalty" so they had said nothing.  
  
Years ago Nina had not chosen the one she truly loved because she was afraid. Afraid to break free from her stereotype as Queen. Now Amy was to make the same mistake, and hurt Ephram in the process.  
  
Ephram would marry sooner or later and end up happy because he was utterly perfect and unafraid to break free.  
  
And he wasn't dying.  
  
Amy would end up alone. Alone as Nina was. So alone that a knot would settle forever in her stomach to fill the space that Colin would leave empty.  
  
***  
  
Amy knew that Colin was probably in the bathroom puking everything he had just eaten. She unintentionally pictured him, eyes tearing, hands shaking, forehead covered in sweat. Part of her wanted to meet him, to stroke his hair, and comfort him.  
  
The other part, that said to bury it, to forget and try not to worry, was the part of her that won.  
  
Her eyes were looking down, and she was blinking back tears so that she didn't notice when Ephram sat beside her until he said, "Hey."  
  
"Hey," she scratched after a moment.  
  
"Since the enforcer is on bathroom break, I thought I'd come and visit you."  
  
Normally she would have said, "Don't talk about my boyfriend like that" but she just sighed wearily and said, "Well, good. You know I like your company." Her perfectly-glossed lips formed a tender smile.  
  
It was as though Amy were pulling him back with an invisible rope, telling him to stay, because she saw the pain in his eyes and the need to leave. She knew Ephram was thinking this was all wrong.  
  
Something about her expression pulled him in, made him scoot closer to her and playfully bump his shoulder and side against hers as he said wryly, "Does Miss Popular enjoy being around a freak like me? Uh-oh. Either the planets are temporarily not properly aligned, or the world is coming to an end. Obviously."  
  
Although she knew he wasn't intending to strike a blow, the words hurt. But she pushed that hurt aside, smiled back, and staring intensely into his eyes now that they were shoulder-to-shoulder, said, "Come on, Ephram. You know that isn't true, I mean. . . ." She broke off, and then continued in a voice so soft it was almost a whisper, "You've . . . taken care of me. All this time and I . . . I can't be around you without. . . ."  
  
She broke the deep stare and looked at his hand, placed on the table, perfectly still. So much of her longed to take hold of it and forget that Colin ever existed.  
  
He probably noticed her staring at his hand, and he shifted his shoulder slightly to get her eyes back on his. He said deeply, from the back of his throat, her name. "Can I ask you a question?"  
  
She didn't know why she wasn't looking away; this was so unlike her. "Sure."  
  
The corners of his lips curved into a wry smile to mask his pain, while he said, "Why do you have to say things like that?"  
  
She mirrored the half-smile, looking away and murmuring softly, "Sorry." She knew she was unintentionally torturing him.  
  
Ephram shyly replied, "You're forgiven." He stood up and her eyes followed him. "I'd better get home. See you around."  
  
"See you."  
  
He walked to the door and exited without looking back.  
  
Amy turned her eyes back to the bathroom door, starting to get worried about Colin's absence, although she was grateful for no interruption during her conversation with Ephram. She stopped herself before mentally analyzing each thing that she and the brunette had said.  
  
Nina walked up to the table suddenly, filled drink in hand. "Here you go. Another Sprite."  
  
"Thanks," said Amy rather distractedly, taking it.  
  
"I saw you talking to Ephram. He's a great guy, isn't he?" Nina asked, voice bordering on sly accusation.  
  
"Yeah. He can always manage to cheer me up." She took a breath, realizing that she had said too much. She prayed that Nina wouldn't question what she had to be cheered up about.  
  
"How's Colin?"  
  
"Oh, he's, uh . . . he's still in the bathroom," she said quickly.  
  
"You know, after all my years of marriage, I've discovered one thing about men."  
  
"That they inevitably sometimes need to go to the bathroom too?"  
  
"That you should never hide from what they are."  
  
Without another word, Nina returned to the kitchen, hoping that she had given the Queen reason to step down from the throne, as she should have done so many years earlier.  
  
--Fin--  
  
[A/N: Sorry I never updated Broken Promises. I probably will, eventually. Review!] 


End file.
